Chappin Doors

1 Nov

Chappin doors



A: Hiya! Good evening I’m a volunteer with the Better Together campaign in xxxxxxx for a No vote in the Referendum. Can I ask you two questions?


B: Are you a dancer?


A: No. Why you ask?


B: You’re a chancer?


A: No Im a …


B: …volunteer I heard yu! Yeh… Now I know you… you was on the telly


A: I have been…


B: Now I clock yu…You iz a Hem P yeh. I seen yu on wi yon Kitsy Fark


A: Wark… and Yes I am an MP


B: You got done for expenses right…You never did time … Yes I know you….£27 grand you spent and no receipts… And not a day yu got


A: I paid it all back and now I’m…


B: … a volunteer … Yu telt me… But what about the £27 grand … you took £48 grand awe the gither but they let yu aff we 27… right? No even a court appearance… just a wee bit in the media an tha… You still an MP then?


A: Well yes… That was all a misunderstanding…. We didn’t know the rules…


B: Right…misunderstanding Like this bedroom tax a cannie paye yer honour is just a misunderstanding yer honour!


C (His partner comes to the door) Yew! I ken yu… yu went oot wi ma pal Vickie is no true?


A: Vickie… I don’t remember but what am here for is to…


C: But you cannie ask me nuttin until yu tell me that you used to sleep wi Vickie and then left her expecin … pregnant! It was you! I see yu blushin yi bampot!


A: Look a have ti go… I doan talk ma personal business on the doorstep


B: But yu want to dictate and shape oor personal business?


C: …oor personal is political… You ‘re a dirty cheating bastard and you want us to be better the gither?


A: Look!


B: We are lookin! And what dae we see? You are gonna cheat and lie! Spend £100 BILLION …a 100 million million on bits a metal you will never ever use and caw it Trident! Weapons o mass destruction. Is that personal or political?


C: You’re gonnie privitise the NHS …turn it intie American style medicine …money first…oor personal health second!


B: Don’t leave yet! We’re no finished!


A: (Leaving) Well you can keep your bloody Alex Salmond!


B: We’re no here fighting for Salmond but for a new an better Scotland!


C: A better Scotland for folk like me so that we don’t need to go and beg at food banks… so we can hae dignity, self respect…and a livin wage for workin people.


B: So that oor granweans will be proud o wi that we stood up against the likes o you!


A: (Mumbles as he leaves) F aff idiots!


B: Yu leaving! Well we idiots are comin wi yu, roond this scheme!


C: Aye me tae! Every door yu chap in this scheme I will tell them what yu done and what you want tae dae tae us!


B: I… WE will tell oor neighbours the truth! The truth will set us free!


C: A new Scotland free fae the likes a yu fae Westminster!


(Shouting up the street)


B&C: Here comes the Nae-nae man. Nae honesty, nae self respect, nae policies and NAE fxxxxx chance!


C: Aye run! Look yer big car! WE’RE VOTING YES! FOR A BETTER LIFE!


B: Heh we done good there! I think we can go chappin doors!






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